Taming of the Shrew (aka Will you, Won't You) adapted from Shakespeare by GJ Kalic

Opening

Host: Maestro ... turn the music down. Put the lights on. Can you hear me? I said can you hear me?

Ladies and gentlemen, I know you have enjoyed your meal. A funny thing happened the other night. We had a few technical problems, the whole P.A. system shut down and no one could tell the difference. Now I'm going to put you through a test... an intelligence test ...a test of merit..skill, courage, call it what you will. On the count of three, I want everyone to say the word "man". One, two three.

Audience: MAN!

Host: Now what's the first word that comes to your mind when you hear the word "man". Don't tell me. Keep it to yourself. Now on the count of three, I want you to say the word "woman".

Audience: WOMAN

Host: Now what's the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear that word? Don't tell me. Keep it to yourself. Think about it. You've got man and you've got woman. You put them together and what do you get? (?????)

I want everyone to broaden their minds...I'm thinking of a word starting with "f" and not the obvious one either.

Audience: (comes up with lots of words starting with "f".)

Host: Now keep those words think about them..you'll need them later.

All the men out there, are you out there men? On the count of three I want you to yell the word "yes". One, two, three.

Men in audience: YES!

Host: Ladies, on the count of three, you're going to say the word "no."

Ladies in Audience: NO!

Host: (gets men and women going yes and no to each other.)

Ladies and gentlemen, our tale tonight is called "The Taming of the Shrew" and it is one of the biggest Yes and No's you have ever seen. This tale is five hundred years old and it has been written by the old Bard, the old master himself. And we bring it to you tonight here before your very eyes. We have taken his words and put them in our way. So, As You Like It, To be Or Not To Be, Such Is the Winter of My Discontent, A Rose by Any Other Name would Smell as Sweet, Without Much Ado, Let's enter the fray, get in the ring, i'faith, prithee, dithee, sufficeth to say, I'll be bespeaking in a different way.

(Host changes costume before audience and becomes Sly)

Sly: God save you friends. Well I will proclaim myself what I am.. I say the name is Christopher Sly. And I am thy host, and a very paramour for a sweet voice. I make riddles, I tell tales, sing a few tunes, drown my tongue in a beer-or two and I've gulled a man or two for sport. And this story, I e'en will tell was told me by one who would gull me and make me a common recreation. By this hat today, I know not if the events of it were natural or pure dreams. There were some who construed, o slandrous tongues, my eyes were almost set in my head, that is gotten in drink, or in the vernacular, I was bepissed, construed to be bepissed.

I am to discourse wonders. A brief scene of love that is hot ice and wondrous strange snow. So let's have tongs and bones and sing roundels with the bard. No more talking on't. A song in aid of them.

Song

SHINE OUT,

SHINE OUT,

SHINE OUT FAIR SUN, AND LET US SEE THE COURSE OF THEIR LOVE.

(REPEAT)

ON THE DAY HE WAS BORN BY ANGELS DECREE

THE WILDEST BABE THOU EVER DIDST SEE

GRACE ON HIS BROW, EYES LIKE MARS

EYES LIKE MARS TO BLUNT THE STARS.

SHE WAS A GIRL YOUNG AND BEAUTEOUS

SHE'D RAISE UP A STORM A WILD WILD CAT

A DEVILISH SPIRIT, A FIEND OF HELL

A WILD WILD CAT WITH A WARRIOR'S YELL.

SHINE OUT,

SHINE OUT,

SHINE OUT FAIR SUN, AND LET US SEE THE COURSE OF THEIR LOVE.

(REPEAT)

HE STRIDES UP AND DOWN LIKE HERCULES

THE PRINCE OF CATS THE VOICE OF A LION

SHINE OUT FAIR SUN AND LET US SEE

WHAT A MAN IS THERE GREAT AND COMPLETE.

A BUCK SKINNED MISTRESS LIKE A MONSTER

THE SWEETEST VILLAIN A WILD WILD CAT

SHINE OUT FAIR SUN AND LET US SEE

MAD MAD MAD WENCH WILD AND FREE

CHORUS

Scene 1

Petruchio: Verona, for a while I take my leave / To see my friends in Padua, but of all / My best beloved and approved friend / Hortensio: and I trow this is his house.

Hortensio: How now, my good friend Petruchio! How do you all at Verona?

Petruchio: Signor Hortensio, Con tutto il cuore ben trovata, may I say.

Hortensio: All nostra casa ben venuto / Molto honorato signor mio Petruchio. / But tell me now, sweet friend, what happy gale / Blows you to Padua from old Verona?

Petruchio: Such wind as scattcrs young men / through the world / To seek their fortunes farther than at home / Where small experience grows /

But in a few / Signor Hortensio, thus it stands with me / Antonio, my father is deceased / and I have thrust myself into this maze / Haply to wive and thrive as best I may / Crowns in my purse I have and goods at home / And so am come abroad to see the world.

Hortensio: Petruchio, shall I then come roundly to thee / and wish thee to a shrewd, ill-favoured wife? / Thou'dst thank me but a little for my counsel / And yet I'll promise thee she shall be rich, and very rich / But th'art to much my friend / And I'' not wish thee to her.

Petruchio: Signor Hortensio, 'twixt such friends as we / Few words suffice; and therefore, if thou know / One rich enough to be Petruchio's wife / As wealth is burden of my wooing dance / Be she foul as Florentius' love / As old as Sibyl, or a worse / She moves me not, or not removes at least / Affections' edge in me, were she as rough / As are the swelling Adriatic seas / I come to wive it wealthily in Padua / If wealthily, then happily in Padua

Hortensio: I can, Petruchio, help thee to a wife / With wealth enough, and young and beauteous / Brought up as best becomes a gentlewoman / Her only fault - and that is faults enough / Is that she is intolerable curst / And shrewd and froward so beyond all measure / That, were my state far worser than it is, I would not wed her for a mine of gold.

Petruchio: Hortensio, peace. Thou know'st not gold's effect / Tell me her father's name and 'tis enough / For I will board her though she chide as loud / As thunder when the clouds in autumn crack.

Hortensio: Her father is Baptista Minola / An affable and courteous gentleman / Her name is Katherina Minola / Renowned in Padua for her scolding tongue.

Petruchio: I know her father, though I know not her / And he knew my deceased father well / I will not sleep till I see her.

I know she is an irksome brawling scold / If that be all, I hear no harm

Sly: He will not sleep till he sees her.

Song