That's Twice by Michael Earnshaw and GJ Kalic

(partway through the opening scene: the introduction of Murray Torso)

Clown 1: Hear ye, Hear ye, Hear ye! Search for the missing link. Exploratory investigation into a third sex.

Clown 5: Third sex? Does that mean doing it three times in the one night?

Clown 1: No! It means watching a video and doing it with yourself. Now on with the show.

Clown 4: There was a young man called Torso / Who was very ambitious and more so / He'd lost his erection, so he called an election / and now he's a national floor show.

Clown 3: There was a young man called Murray / Who liked to come in a hurry / So he grabbed his direction and swung an election / and now he's a National worry

Clown 1: Now he's here now he's here, the greatest man on earth! Now he's here you'll get what you're worth, the clowns, the fools, are gonna make you laugh / and Murray's tongue will cut you in half / He's the key player, main stayer, top payer and rule layer / cleverest clown, fastest tongue / spits out words, like he's gun / Spits out words like he's a gun / like he's a gun, like he's a gun / Spits out words like he's a gun.

Clown 4: Mother Teresa don't you sigh / This big fella's one hell of a guy / Watch out world you'd better step back / 'cause Murray Torso's train's on track / With his kind of jive you'll never feel low / He shoots down the other side like they were play dough / He's right up there he's the daddy of the lot / This here dude is one hot shot! / He's the daddy of the lot / He's the daddy of the lot / This here dude is one hot shot!

Clown 3: Roll out the carpet / Sound the horn / This here fella is the best ever born / Remember the name it'll cause you no pain / With this kind of guy there's no need to explain / He's fast, clean and some times obscene / He's a big balled man whose got to let off steam / You won't believe what your eyes tell you / this big guy I don't have to sell you / He's exciting, tantilising, thoroughly explosive / like a firecracker rising, he's delicious, nutritious / the best kind of bloke that you can wish us / Ijust can't resist him, if I could I would've kissed him / I love him you love him come on in / I love him, you'll love him come share in him / this man who is so astounding, in a moment will be bounding into your view / so hot and new, he does everything he says he'll do / This lump of meat has got no defects / Murray Torso's better than sex! / better than sex, better than sex Murray, Murray's better than sex!

(enter Murray Torso accompanied by his ministers Keith and Bronwyn.)

Murray: Paul this one's for you. Good evening and welcome to Pentridge, Long Bay, Boggo Road, high security, low security, social security, in security, we got it here.

Doors are locked. Check them! (cheer)

Now I'll be straight with you, I've got a queery, a curly one, a question. Does anyone here know of any leader, anywhere anytime that has packed his bags and moved willingly into the nearest prison and locked himself in, of his own volition?.

True question, I want an answer. I'm talking history, politics, chiefs, shahs, kings, queens, despots, prime ministers, popes, any of them, all of them. Tell me one, name one that has self-incarcerated himself willingly. Where are the historians, the intellectuals, the school teachers, answer the question.

What is the answer? The answer is here! Here looking at you with love, care and compassion. I'm doing what what no-one else has dared to do, I am the first, the only. The word on everyone's lips is MURRAY TORSO. Here I am self jailed, self-imprisoned, with my entire cabinet, and to be fair, the shadow cabinet, and theirs and our personal advisors and consultants. Thank you for coming willingly

This is almost too good, too good to be true. This is going to be an incredibly humbling, cleansing, humbling experience. Each of us fed the same food, sleeping under the same scratchy blandkets.

Keith: Ah Murray, I don't mind sleeping with my staff, but drug runners, murderers, and "real" criminals.

Murray: It's alright Keith, we'll throw the petty criminals and ratbags back out into the streets where they belong. People want honesty, if they really feel that we are all crooks, liars and thieves, we must give them the benefit of the doubt. We''ll give them every promise we've made, 'cause every promise I make, I keep, and where do I keep them?

Keith: In your top drawer.

Murray: Handwritten, on file, and what do I do with them?

Bronwyn: Your read them every morning when you satrt work, and every evening when you finish.

Murray: That's the sort of man I am. A man's word is a man's word. I'm a man of words, by word, my word I am. A man who breaks his word, breaks a vow, reneges on a promise is not a man and shoudl be publicly flogged, humiliated and forced to live with his mother.

Keith: That's not me Murray, definately not.

Murray: I'm not talking about you Keith, I'm talking about them.Them out there, beyond all those doors, all of them, and it's those same bloody worms dare to call me a snake. Ever seen a snake shit Keith?

Keith: Can't say I have ever seen a snake shit Murray.

Murray: That's right. They don't. But I do. See how wrong they are. How can i be a snake? Not only do I shit, I shit by the kilo, regular as blockwork, and I can tell you face to face, man to man, I don't drop little dried up billy goat pellets. Actions are greater than words. Now do you understand how wrong they are? I am and have always been a man of action.

Keith: Yes Murray, it's your actions you'll be remembered for, you shit big. But Murray, one small question, won't the whole political system end up in jail permanently?

Murray: Think positively, mate. The mafia and the drug runners operate from within the prison system permanently, why not the government of the day?

Think how much money we're saving by simply declaring ourselves corrupt and locking ourselves up. No more allegations of corruption. No more Govt. watchdogs, royal commissions and inquiries. All that money can now be channelled back into the community via public spending initiatives.

Keith: Such as improving and upgrading the conditions in our prisons.

Murray: Keith, you know something, when I talk to you, or to you, or to anyone, I feel as though I'm talking to me, y'know, talking to myself, talking to the world. I think it's great. There's something inspiring about it. We must talk more, more, more.

Song

LOVE HIM WITH MY HEART AND SOUL (chorus)

Red light flashing sirens wail

my love locked up in jail lock the doors,

throw away the keys he's inside with liars and thieves

it's because of his honesty and this is part of his policy

I love him anyway, I love him anyway

Pollies and crims walk hand in hand

He will lead us to the promised land

my boy has ended up in jail

He did it for me, that's what I say

I love him anyway (chorus)

Some say he's bad, I know he's good,

he's my modern day Robin hood behind bars

I know he'll please us, he's locked up just like

our Jesus, sacrifying all earthly pleasures

going to exteme measure to make sure I am

alright all the day and all thru the night

I know he has me in his heart and in his life

I'm the leading part, in every action he thinks of me,

each decision, each policy I'll follow him

wherever he goes, I believe in him he knows

and now he's locked up in the can

I still adore my wonderful man I love him anyway, I love him anyway, I love him anyway.

Take my advice

live with vice

sugar and spice

roll the dice

Now that's nice,

and, THAT'S TWICE.